Calm

My hubby and I were talking the other night, about various things: family, our future, my Jewish experiences. We have a little difficulty with his and it used to upset me greatly whenever we talked about them, and he got downright mad whenever we talked about them.

So I have stopped bringing the topic up. Last night he brought it up and he was really surprised about my reaction (well, even I was surprised :-)). I told him I am not mad at them and I am more than willing to accept them for what they are and I am ready to forgive them every mean stuff they have said and done. More so, I would like us to be open and able to communicate with them so that things get settled.

When I finished what I wanted to say about the topic, my husband told me: this Jewish thing is doing good to you, you seem to be calm and relaxed ever since you started studying. I never thought about that but now that he mentioned it: he was absolutely right. I am calm. I don't have rage attacks when something upsets me. It has even been put to a test recently and will be for the following week. The reaction it induced was not rage, but more like sadness. Oh, yes, a little quiet crying was involved, too.

I feel that I am changing as a person, and people around me seem to notice it. I get comments about how I look different, something to do with inner shine. I am shining. This is what I was looking for the whole time, all through my almost 35 years on planet Earth. And I found my inner shine, I think. I am becoming a better person and it is made even more beautiful due to the fact that the transition is done through learning. I value intellect very much, in fact, it is one of my highest priorities and principles.

Interestingly enough the issue of injustice came up in my reading this week. And in my life, I might add. I have not been very lucky lately -- in the past 4 years -- and today I hit bottom. I have never been jealous or envious when someone got what we have been fighting for since ... well, forever. And even now I am not. I just felt the injustice so deeply cutting through my soul like a sharp knife that I broke down. I basically spent my day today crying on and off. My sweet friends tried to comfort me but the truth is that only I can help myself. And this time not only do I have to accept the fact that someone else -- one with wrong intentions -- will become a mom before I ever will (if at all), but also I will have to smile and be happy and nice about it. Injustice. Now that I read the Jewish perspective about it everything seems to have settled down. I have always viewed injustice to be a fact we have to accept as it is, an axiom. It may sound odd but it consoled my raging soul. It is just what it is and I don't have to think that maybe one of my relatives did something bad and now I am paying for their wrongdoing. It is just humbug. There are a lot of things in life that have an explanation. Injustice is not one of them.

After a day of crying we were driving home with G so that I can be there when Shabbat service started I told G how deep I am now in the hole my fate kept digging for me and how I was losing hope that this series of misery would ever end. Yes. And just when I finished the sentence, our phone rang. We had to pull over because G can't focus on two things at the same time. He kept wowing and I heard our lawyer's voice from the other end of the phone. We have been approved yesterday for permanent residency. These little words mean a LOT: I can finally WORK, we can finally have PLANS (well, this is mostly important to G), we are out of the cage we've been in for years. I can't believe it. It must have been a miracle.

The reason I am writing about this is that ever since I have started to be in contact with the Jewish community here, GOOD stuff started to happen to us. For the first time in our marriage -- aside from the little things, of course because our life was no all miserable only mostly. For the first time. Ever. And I know deep down in my heart that it has to do with Judaism. Or, with my finding my place. My people. Even my name is Jewish. It means Jewish woman.



Tonight at the Shabbat service I felt it talking to me. There was this prayer, the one we should say to ourselves. It told me everything I needed to know tonight. It touched my soul and gave me back my strength, the strength I am known for everywhere -- in Hungary and now in the US. I always thought there was no place to find strength, it has to be found inside of us. And this is what this prayer told me, confirmed my strength and faith to go on and not give up. Ever.

Ivan sat with me. He saw I was sitting alone and decided I should not do that. I love this, how Jews really do care about the other. Even if the other is not (yet) Jewish. Even if they are not very religious: like my doctor, Dr. W. He is the most amazing doctor I have ever crossed paths with. Helps people not so uch for the money but for he feels that is the right thing to do.

N made challah for me. It was such a sweet gesture, she made it herself. When I got home I shared it with G and we had a nice glass of wine with it. After all, it is Shabbat today.