My life in light of religion

Well, after having jumped in the middle of things I think it would be only fair if I put some background information about myself.

I have been raised in an atheist family, I have not been baptized Catholic until I was 26, so that I can get married in a church to my first husband. His family insisted on us having a church wedding and I thought I could do that for the man I loved and whose baby I was carrying (halfway along by the wedding). So I got baptized but to be honest, for me it was nothing more than a ritual, meant nothing religiously. One may say that I got baptized against my principles, and it would probably be party true, too. In my view what happened was that my relationship and future baby meant more to me, they weighed more than my principles. Or let's put it this way: I gave up part of my principles (which I did not consider very important compared to my other principles, moral and ethical ones that I'd never give up and therefore one who loves me would never ask me to do so) for the greater good.

The marriage ended after we suffered a bitter loss: our baby died. He was born at week 29 (7 weeks after the wedding) and died soon after. His name was Mark. I almost followed him to death but doctors were able to save my life, for which I will always be thankful. Even considering the fact that these events lead to my infertility and hardship to give the love of my life a baby.

After the baptism I really tried hard to internalize the Christian faith. I had doubts and questions that were never answered. At the wedding the minister blessed me and my fertility. Results described above :-( So, it made my trying even harder, until I finally decided I simply CAN'T.

After the divorce I was struggling with myself, with my faith, because I needed one so bad. I just could not find one that would fulfill my soul and my intellect. I am unable to accept dogmas and the "because I said so" type answers.

4 years later I met my husband who is my life and soul, my heart and mind. He is atheist but supportive for my quest for faith. We have been in the IVF program for 3 years now, have had 5 embryo transfers, 2 pregnancies (an ectopic and a miscarriage) and our life never became any easier. I have tried again the Christian faith, maybe now that I've been through so much horror, I could see it in a different light. Well, I didn't. It is simply not mine.

A few weeks ago I started to look up synagogues in the city to see whether I could join one to learn more, and that is how I found the Temple and Rabbi SGM. Before I met her I read some books about Judaism, basic ones, I guess, to get to know more about it. I felt this inexplicable draw to do so. And this is how I ended up at Rabbi SGM's office, discussing about potential conversion. I started studying about Judaism with her guidance and I am happy to be at the place I am now. In transition, on the road which -- I can feel it so clearly -- is leading me to where I belong.